An American Tragedy, Part Deux

As  Makai, my huge Anatolian Shepherd, and I were walking this morning, I felt a sense of relief that I hadn’t felt in several months. For those faithful readers who have commented on my “disappearance” since last August, please take comfort in the fact that “rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.” In fact I have written quite a lot for our Bad Golfers Association website and also as a guest blogger for Brick Bodies, a local fitness center that Mrs. Commish and I belong to. However, after writing about Uncle Cletus on these pages I have not had the strength to continue to deal with his problems and write in a manner that I felt would be compelling for others to spend their valuable time reading. I thank you for asking about Cletus and, as requested by several of you, am writing a follow-up article.

If you have not read the first story, please skim it because this will make much more sense with a little background into Cletus, the Russian mob, police visitations, and mail scams. It was posted in August 2010 and is titled “An American Tragedy.” While that article had much pathos in it, hopefully this one will provide a bit of humor to go along with it.

Cletus is still suffering from some form of dementia. He has been hospitalized four times in the past 3 months for fluid buildup around his heart. Each time, after he has been stabilized and released, we have worked with the hospital’s social workers to secure visiting nurses to check on him and his medications. Each time they have had to stop their visits because Cletus will not stay home and if he can drive then he cannot get the visitations. He simply starts his car and drives wherever he wants to go. Nobody will ride with him anymore, you can guess why, but there is no way to take away his driving privileges. No wonder we have so much danger on the roads if we refuse to take away the right to drive from repeat drunk drivers, I guess it makes just as much sense to let senile drivers on the road. After all, he hasn’t killed anyone, YET.

Trying to accept all of this, Mrs. Commish and I do what we can to help him but realize that we are going to lose in the end. Cletus will call and cry that no one will help him. Then, in the next breath, he says that the nurses don’t know what they are talking about. He seems to be proud that he takes 22 pills plus insulin 3 times a day. The problem is that he mixes up his times and all of that medication seems to exaggerate his mental fogginess.

For a brief month, Mrs. Commish or I would talk to Cletus thrice a day to remind him what meds to take before each meal and which ones to take after eating; and how much insulin to take depending on his readings, etc., etc., etc. This seemed to work as he stayed out of the hospital, seemed less confused, and complained much less about everyone he knew being dead, an inevitable byproduct of living a long time.

One problem still existed, scams in the mail and on the telephone. Cletus still freely sends off about $500 a month to various sweepstakes and “You Are a Winner”-type mailings. He admits to spending over three hours each day reading all of the junk mailing that come to him and then, because they tell him to send $39.95 to enter the next stage of whatever “contest” they pretend to be, he does send them a check. A check and his phone number so he can be “contacted if he is one of the Grand Prize Winners.”

Surprise, surprise he gets contacted at least twice a month and has to have an additional $995.00 to hand to the sweepstakes representative when they come to present him with his “Big Prize” the next morning at 9:00 a.m. When he called to ask me if I thought everything was okay, I told him not to be home alone because it was a scam and you don’t know what they will do to get his money. When he sounded doubtful, I convinced him to call the police and ask them what he should do. Of course they told him not to let anyone in and to stop answering the phone when his call waiting said the call was from Jamaica or the caller was “unknown.”

The next morning I got a call at the office from the police. A neighbor had called because Cletus was driving up and down in front of his house honking his horn, crying and begging for help. He didn’t sleep all night and was worried about strangers coming to his door. The police were wonderful. Again they told him all of the things that he had been told before but they were able to sit with him and get the phone company to give him a new and unlisted phone number. While they were there the officer threw away fifteen new solicitations that he was getting ready to send money to. We followed through and changed all of his bank accounts, again.

Thanksgiving came and Uncle Cletus drove to our house and we enjoyed a nice dinner and he finally gave us permission to have his mail sent to us so that we could screen it and remove all of the scams. He left early to visit a friend, Eddie, who has just been released from the hospital. Eddie, 92, is a few years older than Cletus and was home but confined to bed. We told him to drive carefully and to call us when he got home so that we would know he was safe.

That is why I had this feeling of relief as Makai and I were taking our walk this morning. Things were getting straightened out with Cletus. But, before you get too happy for me let me tell you just a little bit more.

When Cletus left us early Thanksgiving afternoon, we expected to get a call in a couple of hours. We live about an hour away and his friend is about 10 minutes from his home. After four hours we tried calling Cletus but got no answer. Finally at almost 11:00 p.m., seven hours after he left, he called us. He had gotten lost driving home! We have lived in our house for over 30 years and Cletus has lived in his for even longer so he has made this drive a few times. After getting lost he could not get his cell phone to work so he had to wander about until he found something familiar and ended up at Eddie’s home. He honked and honked but no one would come out to help him walk in so after ten minutes he left and went home angry, without seeing Eddie. Not only had Cletus gotten lost but he forgot that Eddie was confined to bed and couldn’t help him even if he had wanted to.

Beware, Cletus is out there driving and I doubt that he is the only “questionable” driver amongst us.

An American Tragedy

As  Makai, my huge Anatolian Shepherd, and I were walking this morning, I could not let myself just enjoy the beauty of another gorgeous daybreak in the North County. The deer were still grazing on “bushy tail” grasses that Mrs. Commish planted, the sky was full of the promise of a rare summer day with low humidity, and the gravel in the lane to my home was still in my driveway—always a good thing after the storms of the previous night. There was nothing to indicate that this morning’s walk, with apologies to Samuel Clemens, was going to be “a good walk spoiled.”

As you probably know, Mark Twain was responding to what he thought about golf. As for myself I am referring to what should be a celebration of a life well-lived but, instead, one that has become a true American tragedy.

Mrs. Commish has a favorite uncle named Cletus. And he is typical of many in the generation before mine. Cletus grew up in depression-era Baltimore and was poor in every way except those things that really mattered. He was an only child raised by a single mother who was widowed when Cletus was a mere lad but he grew up amongst a large family of cousins, aunts, and uncles. They did not have much, but they had a sense of family.

At seventeen Cletus left high school and was proud to serve in World War II. A hero? No, Cletus was just another young American doing what he thought had to be done.

In 1946 Cletus got his discharge and came home. To make a long story short, he got his G.E.D., went to college and became a teacher. He spent most of his teaching years in tough schools in the City. He never left for the county school system because he felt that he made a difference in the lives of some of “his kids.” Cletus stared down knife-wielding thugs posing as students on at least two occasions and verbally, not physically disarmed them. When he finally retired in the late 1980’s Cletus had a doctorate but had never left the classroom for the cushier life of an administrator. His “kids” still needed him.

All of the pieces were in place for the American Dream but something has gone horribly wrong. Cletus is Mrs. Commish’s favorite uncle, we talk to him a couple of times a day; and, even though he lives an hour away we usually see him several times a week. But not often enough.

Cletus never married and during the course of his working life he bought, lived in, and sold at least a dozen homes. While he never made as much as $20,000 a year, he was able to provide for his mother and himself. When his mother died after a lengthy period of decline, I think Cletus lost his direction in life. He no longer felt needed.

Today he gets, literally, two dozen requests for money every day in the mail. He believes that every request is real and sends out between $600 and $800 every month to save the whales, to save Social Security, to save American Indian children, to save the Democrats from the evil Republicans, to save the Republicans from the stupid Democrats, and to things like Citizens with Arthritis Concerned About Neighbors with Diabetes. He reads every mailing and believes in their pleas because “they wouldn’t be writing to me unless they really needed my help.” Now, finally, he believes his karma is being rewarded and he can help even more because Cletus has become “qualified” to be a sweepstakes winner.

We can no longer count the number of checks Cletus has written for $7.95, $19.95 and even $49.95 for fees “required” to redeem his possible prize. He grew up in an era that produced this feeling that Americans looked out for each other and he will not accept that anyone would try to scam him. After all, he has led a good life and tried not to hurt others. He does not comprehend how anything that says “Official” or “Express Mail Delivery” can be a scam. Now he is receiving telephone calls from persons with eastern European accents requesting him to meet with the “prize director” to receive his check for up to $400,000.00 that he is guaranteed to have won. All he needs is to have $1495 dollars in cash or cashiers check to hand over for “processing and qualified international fees.” At least on these occasions Cletus has taken the Commish’s advise to meet at his attorney’s office and never at his home.  Of course these “prize directors” never want to meet in the presence of sane and rational persons; and, in fact, have become abusive over the phone and even cursed Cletus severely for not trusting them and not really wanting the sweepstakes money and then they abruptly hang up. They always call back.

Cletus has become an emotional wreck. He sort of realizes that the calls are from potentially dangerous people but he still can’t quite believe it. After being cursed at and hung up on, Cletus, for a short while, understands that he has managed to escape from a scam. However, before our phone call is even over he reverts to saying something like, “I can’t believe that someone from The Official Sweepstakes Redemption Center would treat me like that.” The scamming is forgotten and he awaits a call from someone with a nicer phone presence to call him with word of his winner’s check.

Most of Cletus’ friends have died, an unfortunate by-product of living a long life. He complains that no one comes to visit him and that all of his time is taken up by the mail. We just don’t understand, these are important letters. The mail is central to his daily routine, he cannot throw it out without reading every word and it piles up on every flat surface in his home. He says it has become the bane of his existence.

A few weekends ago, Mrs. Commish took Cletus to visit several independent living communities. Here he could make new friends, have his own condo, and, best of all, escape all of the daily solicitations that the mail plagues him with. Cletus broke down and cried saying if we forced him to go into one of “those” places he would but “no one would ever visit him and if we stopped his junk mail than no one would ever write to him either.”

Cletus can afford to enjoy his remaining years but he cannot let himself use his accumulated savings on himself. Those depression-era lessons run deep, much deeper than I can understand.

Today Cletus is still in his own home. So far he has not talked to us since we “tried to take him from his home.” That is my American Tragedy and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Don't Let Your Sons Grow Up to Be...

This morning as Makai, our Anatolian Shepherd, and I were walking past a field, I looked out across the expanse and saw a single deer about 300 yards away. It was at the far edge of the field and could have disappeared in the surrounding woods in less than a heartbeat. But it didn’t. It was content to munch on whatever was growing and to watch what Mak and I were doing. We were on a time schedule, the deer wasn’t. I think of myself as a free man but it is far from true; take Mak on a walk, be at the barn by 7:00 a.m. to do goat herder stuff, then off to the shower and then to the office by 8:30. Certainly not the same degree of freedom that the lone deer was experiencing.

I felt a lost kinship to that deer. Our American psyche has always been different from that of other countries. Not necessarily better, but certainly different. And, I think, that American character is wrapped up in our romanticized view of “The Cowboy Life.” The lone stranger, the  reluctant hero, the one man who would do what was right just because it was right and then just mosey off into the sunset.

This national character is getting us into trouble in this modern world. We believe that we are doing the right thing when our Elected Betters lead us into policing the world and righting the wrongs that man does to his fellow man. How else can we explain our involvement in Bosnia and Somalia and continuing to stay in Iraq and Afghanistan? We used to think it was great that Chechnya wanted its freedom from Russia; but, later we found out that Chechen rebels were also Moslem and some of them extremists and therein lies another set of problems. We aid the Bosnian Moslems and the Albanian Moslems and darn if they don’t support our enemies in other actions we undertake.

The point in all of this is that we did not have to make their problems our problems. We are no longer the lone cowboy who can solve a town’s problems with a gun and a “pure” heart. Truth to tell, our form of government is not the best form for every group and some day, like today, we should face that fact. Once we accept that, we need to realize that we are not responsible for or capable of solving everyone’s internal problems. Hell, don’t we have enough of our own internal problems to keep us busy for a very long time?

As for our military, they are so capable that our Elected Betters are much too anxious to use them. Any U.S. Senator that consents to send our troops into harm’s way without understanding that “collateral damage” will occur, needs to be involuntarily retired. If a situation is bad enough for us to go to war then we need to kill as many bad guys as possible, as quickly as possible. We will break things, we will hurt, kill and maim innocents by mistake because they are in the vicinity of our enemies and, sad to say, we should expect and accept those facts before we commit our flesh, blood and treasury in a military pursuit. Our Commander in Chief is responsible for the use and/or misuse of our military but our Senators have to stop hiding behind “continuing resolutions” and vote aye or nay when it comes to putting our sons and daughters in the field. And, when they put them in harm’s way, they need to let them perform their duty and cease being meddling politicians looking for leverage and advantage when things go badly, and in war things always go badly at some point.

After we finish with the military operations, come home. If we don’t like the idea of posting our troops on own city streets (remember posse comitatis) what makes us think that we won’t wear out our welcome posting troops in foreign cities? If we must act like a gunslinger, then after we smash things and kill people, get our troops home. We can neither win nor have the continuing will to police a foreign country and its citizens. Like a town in the Wild West, after it is cleaned up by the cowboy the townspeople have to take its governance on themselves.

So, “Momma, don’t let your sons (and daughters) grow up to be cowboy politicians.” There is nothing wrong with being a cowboy—brave, honest, willing to put yourself in danger for someone else--but only cowards and lame politicos risk the life and limbs of others so that they can be pretend cowboys.

Things I Have Learned Since Kindergarten and 9-11

As Makai and I went walking this morning, I was thinking about the best selling book, “All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten” by Robert Fulghum. I admit I really have not read this book but I have heard excerpts and the wisdom he writes about is universally true. I have, however, learned a few more things as I approach my second childhood and, by gum, I plan to tell you some of them and also ask a few questions.

• You might ignore politics but politics will not ignore you.
• Why do “Liberals” or “Progressives” refuse to discuss issues with people who have differing opinions?
• Why do “Conservatives” feel that their values are the only values worth having?
• Why do “Libertarians” feel that an open border policy is okay for America?
• When did compromise mean you must give in to my view?
• Very few good deeds go unpunished; but, keep doing them anyway.
• Why do we apologize to Muslims when we refer to “Islamic Terrorists”?
• Nothing is new under the Sun. While reading about the Krakatoa explosion in 1883, I discovered that Islamic terrorist from the Middle East were fomenting revolution and killings in Indonesia then and they are still doing so today. By the way, Anak Krakatau (“Son of Krakatoa”) has rebuilt itself and is getting ready for a do-over.
• Why do we still have troops stationed in Germany?
• What makes us think that we can “give” democracy to other societies?
• Why isn’t the United Nations moved to a third world country so that diplomats can see their handiwork up close and personal?
• Why are countries named “SomethingOrOtherStan” almost always home to terrorists?
• Was Pakistan trying to tell us something when they named their capital city “Islamisbad”? Oops, my bad. It’s spelled “Islamabad.” Nevermind.
• Why is it okay for Islamists to threaten to kill people who draw illustrations of The Prophet? What makes their prophet more important than someone else’s prophet?
• Is the History Channel and Discovery afraid to do a show about “The Historical Muhammad” when they have no problem with “The Historical Jesus” and “The Historical Buddah”? Personally, I think these were terrific shows and would love to see one about another great religious figure. I am particularly interested in how Muhammad was able to justify robbing caravans and killing merchants unless they were mono-theists.
• The threat of Global Warming pales in comparison with the threat of Global Cooling. Snowball Earth was not a pretty sight.
• Over 99% of species on the Earth have gone extinct without any help from us.
• Armadillo can be tasty if cooked properly.

Did You Know…

As Makai, my big and lazy Anatolian Shepherd, and I were walking this morning I reflected upon nice golfing weather finally getting here to the heartland of Maryland. While we have continued to play our rounds of Bad Golf, I now have to come up with real reasons for the scores that I am going to post. Oh well, if that was my only problem then I guess I would have nothing to complain about. If you want to see what devastation bad golfers can do then just click here to see in B&W (and maybe some other colors) how badly this wonderful game can be played.

Actually, today I have nothing to complain about. In fact I am going to actually talk about golf.

Long before golf club manufacturers began numbering their clubs (i.e. 3 wood, 4 iron, etc.) each club had a specific name. I’m sure you have heard of a “brassie” or a “niblick” but do you know what that means? Well, you are in luck because following is a listing of oldtime club names and their contemporary equivalent:

    We used to call it a:     Today it is a:
    Driver.............................1 Wood
    Brassie...........................2 Wood
    Spoon.............................3 Wood
    Cleek..............................4 Wood
    Baffy..............................5 Wood
    Driving Iron...................1 iron
    Mid Iron.........................2 iron
    Mid Mashie....................3 iron
    Jigger..............................4 iron
    Mashie............................5 iron
    Spade Mashie.................6 iron
    Mashie Niblick...............7 iron
    Lofter..............................8 iron
    Niblick............................9 iron

Your Vision for My America? No Thanks!

Makai and I took our daily walk again this morning and I reflected on how he interprets this time as compared to how I use the time. Mak, our Anatolian Shepherd, enjoys checking out each clump of grass, grazing upon certain particular blades and then moving about 10 feet to check out each individual blade of another clump of grass. If he had his way our morning walk would last just about three and a half hours and then he would eat a little chow and take a nap. On the other hand, I look at our morning walk as a time for a little exercise for both Mak and myself. A brisk little half-mile jaunt during which I can enjoy the fresh air and perhaps clear my mind and get ready for what the day will bring. I allow about 10 minutes for this endeavor and then off to the shower and office.

Which one of us is right? If you answered NEITHER then I think you are on the right track. We both enjoy our walk together but for totally different reasons, neither of which is right or wrong; just different.

America used to be this same way. Your pursuit of happiness was protected by the Constitution and also by the collective “American thought.” As long as your concept of “happiness” did not infringe upon mine, then go for it. When did this change? Why did it change?

Today every one of our Elected Betters has his or her “Vision of America” as they “fight” the good fight to shape our country and thought into what they perceive to be a “brighter and more just America.” Their only requirement is that we passively follow where they lead. When did we abdicate the pursuit of our happiness to the pursuit of Our Elected Betters Concept of Happiness? I think it happened when we realized that it is hard to think for ourselves. It requires effort and even results in some failure to realize our dreams while if we let the elected officials make all of the decisions it is so much easier.

Look how easy our cattle have it compared to the wild deer. The free roaming deer have to contend with traffic, bad weather, predators, possible famine and even disease. In the end they learn to fend for themselves and adapt to the encroachment of people into their space. Cattle have it so much easier. Their Selected Betters (us) bring them their food, bring them into the barn during bad weather, treat their illnesses and even carefully transport them to the slaughterhouse. How much happier they must be than their hard-living ruminant cousins, the deer. Their Selected Betters supply them with everything they could possible need and the only thing required in return is for them to quietly give up their lives for our comfort and eating enjoyment.

Is it just me or does it seem to you, too, that our Elected Betters treat us pretty much the same as we treat our cattle. Everything is going to be okay as long as we don’t ask questions and just keep putting them back in office. Sure some of us will die in Afghanistan but look at the big picture. Sure some of our property will be seized by eminent domain and given to private developers but look at the increased tax dollars. Sure some of  us will have a hard time paying for required health insurance but so what, that’s why the Healthcare Bill also hired 16,500 new IRS agents.

Until we take back our responsibility to pursue our own happiness, then we are going to get the type of government we are getting. Believe me, there are plenty of people who are more than willing to tell you what to do if you just pull their lever. Resist the easy way and, even though it hurts, think before you re-elect the same crowd that has populated Washington and Annapolis for the past 50 years.
When in doubt, throw them out! Term limits. No more than 12 years of “public service” then they have to work in the private sector and experience the results of their legislation. Sure we might lose some good people but that makes way for more good people to shoulder the responsibility. No more “cushy” retirement for Our Elected Betters, let them fund their own IRAs just like the rest of us.

America once was the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, let’s try to make it that way again.

Healthcare Reform as Seen by The Commish

Finally Makai and I are able to resume our morning walks. The snow has receded and my driveway no longer resembles a bobsled run. This presents me with the time once again to ponder some of life’s problems, and often I am able to find at least a little humor in the situation. Today, however, I intend to present proposal for providing a framework to advance healthcare in these United States. Trust me, it will be less than 2200 pages long and it will contain far fewer citations and references that serve to obscure what the document really says.

If you read my last blog then you should be aware of the fact that I think the size of our country has made it ungovernable and becoming primed for disintegration. Issues like the healthcare proposal that Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and the Obama Administration are going to force through Congress only serve to further divide Americans and cause less trust and belief in the federal system. When you no longer trust those who govern you, then why should we continue to elect and pay them?

That begins my proposal. First, the government has become bloated and self-important. It seemingly exists for us to serve it, a departure of 180 degrees from its original purpose. Therefore, no one in federal employ shall be recompensed at a rate greater than $100,000 annually. If they protest that they can make more in the private sector than don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Trust me this country has plenty of qualified people who would serve in your capacity. Secondly, a 3% across the board cut in every department of the government. This level of funding will be held at a constant rate for 5 years. “Held at a constant rate” means just that, no annual cost-of-living increases. This 5-year period without governmental growth would allow for the reduction of employment by attrition without huge, sudden disruptions.

Now, the monies that we have saved from the 3% cuts will provide the basis for beginning our new healthcare program. It is illogical to believe that our Elected Betters have any idea of what is needed for our healthcare. Would you trust one of those “535 Temple Monkeys in search of bribes” to tell you what is best for your child’s health? I doubt it. So, let’s begin in a manner that would allow any errors to be corrected before they become institutionalized in one huge bureaucratic nightmare.

It is a given that there are areas of the nation that are more in need of additional healthcare services than other areas so that is where we begin. Doctors and nurses can be educated tuition-free for the promise of 10 years of government service after their internships. After such time, they are free to enter the private sector or remain in government service if they so choose and are deemed well-qualified. If they go into private practice they should be essentially debt-free so the need for high fees to pay for the high cost of education is no longer an issue.

These government physicians and nurses will provide free healthcare for those who come into their office or hospital. In return, patients will have no legal recourse for suing the physician or hospital unless they can show gross negligence. In such cases damages will be limited to $1,000,000 which would be repaid to the government by reducing by 15% annually the salary of everyone who was involved, including the hospital administrator. Administrators would be free to quit but doctors and nurses would still have to complete their 10-year commitment or be subject to repayment of their entire educational costs.

Individuals would be able to choose either the private sector doctors and hospitals as they can today or else go to the government hospital for free treatment under the conditions above. Indigent patients who arrive at private facilities would be transferred to the government hospital when they are stabilized. This should reduce the costs that private facilities now have to pass on to their paying clients and also reduce their patient load and costs.

Who would advise and run these government hospitals? Qualified doctors and administrators would be glad to help. There are so many truly wonderful healthcare providers who would gladly give their expertise to establishing this type of free clinic where they could give great medical treatment without having to do dozens of cover-my-ass tests that are done to establish alibis in case of future lawsuits. In Baltimore, Dr. Ben Carson of Johns Hopkins has expressed his desire to assist. However, if we continue to pile layers of bureaucracy on top of our doctors then nothing good will come to pass.
If this plan works, then we can open additional government healthcare facilities (either hospitals or clinics depending upon need) in other cities and towns. Within a decade we should know what Americans want and what we don’t want from our government health plan. If this plan has weaknesses then we can listen to the doctors and administrators who are providing the care and make adjustments accordingly.

Just think, all of this began with a walk down my drive allowing me to think about why my blood pressure medicine was so expensive. One of the meds I was taking was called “Lotrel 5/20” and it was costing about $350 every three months. I asked my physician if we could try something else since my deductible was $2500 and I never reach it so he gave me two prescriptions. Now get this, the 5/20 was the dosage of two medications that had been combined into a single pill so, for the same medicine, just not combined, the two prescriptions cost me less than $20. Why wasn’t this prescribed from the start? It is time to THINK and start acting as if the money saved in healthcare was your own!

Break Up the U.S.A.?

Again today Makai and I were unable to take our morning walk. For the past two weeks we have been snowbound in the suburbs of Baltimore. Incredible. The snow amounts have now topped 84 inches for the season in an area that averages barely 13 inches of snow a year. With the use of my Kubota tractor with a front end loader and a lot of help from my son-in-law, we are now able to leave our hill. Since the driveway looks and acts like a bobsled run, Makai and I have postponed our morning walks until spring. Normally at this point I would make an inane comment about needing about fifteen more degrees of global warming or wondering if the inventor of the internet and the subject of “Love Story” (Mr. Al Gore) could help me accelerate the local climate’s warming processes, but today I will refrain because I am not in a humorous mood. Sadly, this leaves my mind free to ponder some of the darker aspects of life rather than the beauty of our North County. My thoughts turn to politics.

For at least 25 years I have witnessed what I consider to be a change in the American character. We can no longer debate subjects of interest. Friends are made and then disposed of when their politics differ from our own. What has happened? Free and honest men (look, I’m an old fart and I use the term in the broad sense, meaning not just “men” but all of society) should be able to discuss subjects upon which they disagree and either find common grounds or at the very least find a little more understanding of another point of view. Seemingly, we can no longer do this. Our minds are set and we automatically dismiss any point of view that disagrees with our own. While I may consider myself to be “on the correct side” of an issue, in reality, there is no right or wrong on most political issues. There has to be common ground or else why bother having any discussions?

Maryland has a political climate in which our Elected Betters simply tell us what we want and that is that. The stranglehold that one party has on every election is practically unbreakable so, in effect, my vote, and yours, doesn’t matter. When a “mistake” was made a few years back and a Republican was elected Governor, our Elected Betters announced that they were going to bury every Republican so that they never see the light of day again, and they have been true to their word. In Washington, a similar attitude exists. Fortunately, our Elected Betters are experiencing a revolt of sorts in which “throw the bastards out” seems to be the rallying cry. While this is refreshing, will it be enough?

I have been pondering the possibility that the United States of America is ungovernable. We are a group of over 300 million persons with a diminishing national character. (In comparison, Canada is a nation of 34 million; I believe only China and India have larger populations than The United States, do you know many people trying to immigrate to them?) For the past twenty-five years it seems that we apologize for our existence to the rest of the world. Some of us don’t feel that we should; and some of us feel that we should be even more apologetic of any success which we have experienced. Some of us want open borders and a complete disregard of our immigration laws, while some of us want our laws enforced and illegals sent back home, not provided with all of the benefits and none of the responsibilities of being an American citizen. If “Our Elected Betters” are in office then we want to bury the other side. If “Their Elected Betters” are in office then how can we sabotage them? This is not a healthy approach to governance.

I think we need to examine the possibility that we are no longer “Americans” but many americans. In so doing maybe we need to align ourselves in smaller, more manageable groups. California will soon be bankrupt, should South Dakota have to bear the burden of bailing them out without ever receiving the benefit of living way beyond their means? I think that when we began highlighting all of our differences with hyphens to describe us, we began the deterioration of what was an American culture. Without a common culture (the “melting pot” effect) we have less and less in common and, hence, less and less interest in those other groups. “We want” and “We need” are the buzz words that our Elected Betters respond to today and with a little horse-trading to buy the necessary votes they can ensure their re-election in perpetuity.

Don’t misunderstand me, Democrats and Republicans are very much the same in this; they are just two different faces of the same coin. And that “coin” that both parties spend so freely is to be repaid by our descendants. What a deal! Vote for me and you can have it all (but your grandchildren might not). Three hundred million people are too many to be governed effectively and I think it may be time for a new American Evolution.

Today the United States is composed of states, commonwealths (Virginia, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania), and even former independent countries (the Republic of California, the Republic of Texas, Hawaii). Maybe we need to allow the disintegration of the United States into smaller, more governable entities in order to save ourselves.

While it is not for me to dictate how the divisions would be made, perhaps it might work like this….

Many states (Maryland, New York, Illinois, Ohio, etc.) might choose to remain in the federal system of what was once The United States of America. Other states, now “nations”, might opt to be independent or affiliate themselves into a new country, such as Utah-Nevada-Arizona-Colorado-Wyoming. A grouping such as this would have much more in common with each other than with the entire population of the former United States. In the early years these newly-minted nations might act much as the current European Union does with many common things such as currency and perhaps national defense. As time passes, the evolution of these new nations perhaps will move towards the British Empire model of today, a loose-knit affiliation of independent entities. “Countries” that favor open borders could welcome all of the immigrants the world sends without impacting the well-being of other new nations that want to have tighter controls on who enters their sovereign territory. Even national defense might evolve so that, perhaps, Idaho-Minnesota-Wisconsin might find that they have more in common with Canada than the “Commonwealth of States;” the point being that these smaller population groups can have more control on their lives and how they choose to live them.

We only go ‘round once let’s make it count. Down-sizing is not necessarily a bad thing. We had to do it with our companies in order to survive and without a massive change in structure, our Elected Betters will not downsize their own little fiefdoms. It’s worth considering, if only because Makai and I are stuck indoors this time of year.

Finally, Golf is in the Air

As Makai and I left the house this morning to take our walk, we were shadowed by one of our cats, a red tabby named Timmy Twos. Timmy walked better than the dog since he actually strolled next to me and didn’t have to check out every tree and cornstalk to see who had left a secret message in the last 24 hours.

The significance of Timmy walking with me was that it indicated that the weather was nice enough for a lazy home body to step outside. No, I am not talking about me, I am talking about Timmy Twos. And the significance of nicer weather is that the golfing season is fast approaching. In years past, the end of the football season (the Ravens were recently eliminated from the playoffs) meant the approach of the baseball season but since we have The Baltimore Orioles to root for this does not give us much hope. Twelve consecutive years of losing has wearied me of getting excited about Spring Training, so, today immediately after March Madness I have the golfing season. In fact, our season starts as soon as Daylight Savings Time kicks in. 

Last week I received an email from a Chapter of the Bad Golfers Association in Florida that stumbled across our BGA website. While they were very complimentary about the quality of our website, they completely mocked the quality of our golf. Well, if we had golfing weather all year ‘round we could play better bad golf, too! Actually this year I am looking forward to playing mediocre golf and winning the coveted Race for the Cheeseburger, 2010 edition. For those of you who have not visited our website and are not familiar with The Race for the Cheeseburger, let me explain.

For almost twenty years The Bad Golfers Association has been playing a weekly twilight round of golf. In the beginning we played “Skins” for 25 cents a hole. As our games evolved we realized that we were more interested in bragging rights than in winning money so a few years ago we came up with our “Ultimate Golf Game.” Now, every week the four of us play for a single beer. Full handicaps are used (these range from 6 to 17 for 9 holes, we truly are The BGA!) and the player with the lowest net score wins a beer from the player with the highest net score. The two players in the middle neither win nor lose and come away with just a little more experience. In one round last year a single stroke separated the winner from the three losers so three beers were won. To us these beers are precious as we keep detailed Beer Statistics with current standings of beers won and beers lost. But the supreme prize is saved for the winner of the yearlong “Race for the Cheeseburger.”

In order to win this most coveted prize four statistics are tracked. Since even within the BGA our abilities are widely separated we needed to have a completely fair competition. Once again, The Commish in his infinite wisdom came up with the perfect game. We track the percentage of fairways hit, greens hit in regulation, pars, and birdies. These are totaled and the player who has improved the most from the previous season wins a cheeseburger and fries at our local watering hole. Sadly, in 2008 no one won as everyone’s statistics backslid. The Snowman won in 2005, Mr. Fifteen won the next year, 2007 was the year of The Commish, and last season Mr. FourSkin won his first Cheeseburger Award. The fairness of this seems to show itself in the fact that no one has won back to back seasons. 

Now that the choice of games is settled, we just need to see who records the first double digit score in 2010 and who will be the first to not clear the road on the First Hole tee shot at Mt. Pleasant. Last year, for the first time, the BGA proudly cleared this obstacle in all 30 rounds (it is, after all, at least 20 yards). Don’t take this to mean that our drives were good, as many ended up closer to the ninth green than the first fairway; but, the important thing is we all cleared the road. Mission accomplished.

C’mon Spring, I am ready for all that you bring.

The Great White Way (or Let’s Have a Sexcise Tax)

As Makai and I took our walk this morning down our lengthy driveway, I saw in front of me a great white way, again. I have walked through way too much of the “white death” so far this winter to be concerned about global warming. In fact I could do with about twenty-five more degrees of the global warming stuff right about now!

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been green since before green was cool and as has oft been said, “it ain’t easy being green.” Mrs. Commish and I have farmed organically since we were married just after the little ice age ended. You remember that one don’t you? Remember back in the 70’s when we were warned about the threat of global cooling and the real possibility of once again becoming snowball earth? I remember because we were building our home then and were advised to put in one of those new-fangled gadgets called a heat pump. It ran on electricity and “took heat right out of the air” to save money and the environment. Besides with the coming ice age we could be sure that an oil delivery truck would not get up our driveway in the winter, propane would work but the same delivery problem existed, and natural gas was not available. So a clean, cheap heat pump was the answer. It has been such a great answer that if I was a landlord I would be put in prison for keeping the house so cold. How does 52 sound? Well our thermostat is set there and our bill is still $250 or more each month, so you better believe that I really would appreciate a little global warming right about now.

I know I am being overly simplistic. Climate trends take centuries to play out. I wonder if a simple goat herder like myself realizes this then why don’t our Elected Betters and their scientific brain trusts realize this? Could it be that there is money (more “green”) to be made if we rush to sell carbon credits and alternative technologies to the sheepeople? Carbon credits sure sound similar to those collateralized sub-prime instruments that our financial whiz bangs and our Elected Betters made fortunes on as all of my goat herder friends lost their portfolios. So I admit that I am just a bit skeptical of Big People telling me what is best for me.

Big People now tell me to recycle. As I said before, this is nothing new to me. I collected and returned aluminum cans and every year or two Mrs. Commish, Gwaltney and I would cash them in. We enjoyed the process since we always were paid in $2 bills. Mrs. Commish and Gwaltney would pocket their new-found wealth (maybe $8 or $10 each) and take mine and a little extra to some local café and we would enjoy a nice lunch. Save the earth and have lunch. Perfect. Then my Elected Betters tell me that my two trash pickups are going to be one for recycling and one for trash. One week for paper and the next week for bottles and cans. Oh yeah, the items to be recycled must be put in blue plastic bags. The first week I put my cans and bottles out in blue bags and animals got to it and I had to pick up my recyclable stuff from the woods and put it out again in two weeks. The next week my paper was neatly tied and stacked at the bottom of my hill. It was not picked up because of some reason that I can no longer recall but I do remember having to once again pick up a lot of the trash scattered in my woods. The following week is once again cans. This time I put them in blue bags and put the blue bags in a trash can for “protection.” WRONG. Recyclables are to be picked up in blue bags, not blue bags in trash cans. The end result of my Elected Betters solution for recycling is that now I put out everything in my once a week trash pickup and on recyle day I sleep in.

As I see it, all of these Big People ideas stem from a belief in a Malthusian catastrophe. (For those of you who went to public school – like me—google Robert Malthus yourself.) So in order to avoid regressing to a subsistence level we must do all of these silly thing, even if they don’t work, and do them now. All of these “solutions” really do not address the problem – there are too many people. There I’ve said it. Now we need a solution for too many people and the rest of our problems would self-correct naturally (and what could be more green than something happening  “naturally”). The solution you ask, well The Commish recommends a new tax, something I never thought I would advocate. Using the proven principle that subsidizing something gets you more of it and taxing something produces less of it, then, simply put, in order to get less people let’s tax sex!

As a side benefit to producing fewer people – remember if you tax something you get less of it – our Elected Betters should realize a bonanza in this new revenue stream. This new revenue source may be enough to lower our other taxes. Right. As I see it there could be a real “marriage tax” and we could fill out forms like Census Data and then we would get a Coupling Tax Bill in the mail. Or, we could do it like withholding taxes and pay in advance. Our Elected Betters would honestly be pimps and no longer could we complain about them “pimping for Wall Street” or “being a pimp for Big Pharma.” Since enough is never really enough for Big People, future adjustments to the Sex Tax Code could include a Value Added Tax for prostitutes and maybe an excise (Sexcise?) tax on massages. 

No need to thank me, The Commish is glad to help with his solutions for a greener world.